These panties may be Victoria’s Secret, but you can keep your secrets.


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Panty Dropppppping.

The coveted term used loosely to describe anything that will make a woman’s panties do exactly that-DROP.

Most men struggle their whole lives trying to figure out what actions result in PDing and most of the time, they’re sadly delusional.

Guys, you aren’t as good at it as you think you are.

Sorry.

I know, I know, all of those self-help late-night articles you read all tell you otherwise. But let me tell you something…..

They were all written by men.

Are you going to take advice on what women like from another man, or from a woman?

Now, this isn’t a self help article, this isn’t advice, this isn’t a how-to, this isn’t some weird form of Panty Dropping Gospel. This is just a warning, a caveat, to politely and gently steer you away from the things that really don’t make it happen. I should note that the things I’m going to tell you about may not apply to ALL women, but they certainly apply to the ones you want to keep around.

Let me start out by saying that the number one thing you can change today to see immediate increases on your rate of PDing is to stop being a douche.

Say it slowly.

D-ooooooo-uccccchhhhhh-e.

The only time this word should be used in any conversation should when discussing the health pros and cons of using a  water/vinegar mixture to handle ya business.

Douche encompasses anything that makes you even remotely resemble a Jersey Shore shore character, and that, gentlemen, is something you really don’t want to be. MTV canceled the show for a reason.

So…that means, for those of you who don’t understand, STOP POPPING YOUR FREAKIN COLLARS! The only time your collar should be popped is to maybe, maybe, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe hide a zit the size of Brazil, and even then, that’s not a relevant excuse. Better put some Clearasil on that thing and hibernate in your bachelor pad until it recedes back underneath the Equator.

Stop wearing too tight Tap-Out tshirts!

Stop fist pumping to every song that comes on the radio that makes you feel sexy!

Yes, unfortunately that includes “Suit & Tie”. That song was not produced to make you (men) feel sexy. It was produced to make us (women) excitedly grab all of our girlfriends and wobble onto the dance floor to awkwardly grind on each other after a few too many margaritas and Buttery Nipples. During said grinding, do not approach. Do not attempt to cut in and do not attempt pull us away from our friends. Feel free, however, to offer a drink. Please, no Patron. If we’re sober enough, we’ll know what you’re soliciting (Tequila makes her clothes fall off) and if we catch you, the panties ain’t droppin’. All you really gotta do is watch us from across the club/bar (not in a creeper way!), maybe make a little eye contact, give a smile or a wink, depending on how confident you are, and just let us have enjoy our dance floor until our jam is over.

Speaking of the dance floor…..

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Jimmy Pesto is sexy right? He’s sexier than you are when you hit the hardwood dance floor at the club after chugging a pitcher of Miller Lite and grabbing on every woman that walks in front of you. Definitely NOT PDing material.

You know what IS PDing material?

Being in a band.

I don’t care what any woman says, we allllll dig men that can belt it out on a mic, tickle a few guitar strings, tap a good rhythm out on a drum-set, or even pluck some good runs on a bass. However, if you’re a one-man-band spending your Saturday nights singing to the same two underage girls who snuck into a biker bar like they do every week to hear you sing bad covers of Candlebox and Lynard Skynard, you need to reassess your Panty Dropping capabilities, because they are probably almost nonexistent.

And while you’re in the spotlight…

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use pickup lines.

rdj

(That’s the face women make when they hear a pickup line)

I am personally a huge fan of pickup lines. I think they’re cheesy and pitiful, so I use them a lot to pick up my friends. And contrary to popular belief, my pickup lining skills have returned a 100% success rate. But they won’t for you. Not to a stranger.

Seriously, don’t argue with me on this one. Sometimes, every once in a blue moon on a Friday the 13th during a snowstorm in Cuba, they will work. But it had better be good. The following pickup lines are examples of one’s that AREN’T good:

  • Do you have a library card, ’cause I want to check you out.
  • Is there a mirror in your pocket, ’cause I can see myself in your pants.
  • If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
  • (This one is one of my favorites) Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause Baby, you got ‘FINE’ written allllllll over you!
  • There’s something wrong with my cell phone…..it doesn’t have your number in it.

Have you ever seen Night at the Roxbury? Those two brothers were  convinced with capital ‘C’ that they were the best at PDing.

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Newsflash: They got kicked out of almost every club they somehow managed to get into. Sure, they eventually dropped a couple pairs of lace butt-floss, but those women didn’t stick around. They were also asshats. And douches. They probably wore an overabundance of aftershave, too.

While we’re talking about aftershave, please please please, for the love of humanity, put the Axe down.

Axe is not a Panty Dropper.

I don’t care if the scent is Kilo or Phoenix, the fact remains that it’s aerosol. It doesn’t smell good. And somehow, the Axe commercials have convinced the male population that the more you use, the more women flock to your armpits to sniff (am I the only who thinks that’s weird?). This is FALSE.

Number one-why do you feel the need to overload yourself with it? Have you not showered? What offensive body odor are you trying to mask?! Number two-while it may smell ‘ok’ in small squirts, you can’t seriously believe that a ten second spray of this stuff is going to even make it possible for someone to sit in the same room as you. A car is even more impossible to sit in while a cloud of spray deodorant (that’s really what it is) forcibly invades your nostrils.

“Um, excuse me, but your deodorant is raping my nose.”

But, there’s good news!

You can use Old Spice in abundance! You can use the deodorant, the body wash, the shampoo, the lotion, the aftershave, EVERYTHING. Old Spice is a Panty Dropper.

So is Giorgio Armani’s Acqua de Gio. And almost anything Kenneth Cole, but especially Black and Reaction.

You know what else works for dropping?

You AND your car/truck smelling good.

But (!) your car/truck itself may not be enough to panty drop. Really depends on the woman and how shallow she is.

Actually here’s a warning for you fellas, if a woman isn’t interested in you until she sees your whip, you really don’t want any of that. Those women are normally nuttier than squirrel turds. But for me, a sane woman (mostly), a man who takes car of his vehicle is definitely a turn on.

Now, I’m not saying you have to have a nice expensive car. It doesn’t even have to be clean. But the ONE thing you must never do when it comes to your car, is drive by a woman and hang out of the window trying to get a phone number. You’ll end up looking like this….

jc

……and this just isn’t a good look for anyone.  Lloyd actually ended up getting friend-zoned. (Read about the dangers of that here)

These aren’t all of the things that really don’t make women’s panties drop, but you think they do, however, I really don’t want to discourage you too much.

Matter of fact, add that to the list.

Don’t let your feelings get hurt. Don’t pretend to be a hardass when trying to approach a female, and then when she rejects you because she choked on your heavy-handed Axe application, get upset. Just walk on. Actually, go home and change. That shirt is no good until you wash it. Or burn it. If you choose to burn it though, watch out for the flames, that crap is super flammable.

And while you’re at home, re-read this blog and remember how I warned you that you would end up alone in your mother’s spare bedroom wondering why you don’t have a girlfriend after you did everything Kanye West talked about on Yeezus.

Just be you and forget what everyone on TV is doing. The women dropping their Victoria’s Secrets for them aren’t worth anything, but are probably leaving behind a secret of their own for those celebs to bring home.

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