To the little boy who is growing up without his dad…


My dear sweet darling little boy,

Starting at the exact moment when those two blue lines appeared, I began to pray for you. I prayed that you would grow healthy and safe during your stay next to my heart.. I prayed that when you arrived, you would lead a happy life so you could ensure your children’s lives would be happy as well.. I prayed that you would have my eyes so that you could see the good in people.. and I prayed that you would always know love from me and your father.

My dear sweet darling little boy, although you are very much your father’s twin, I see my eyes when I look at your smiling face. And even though your life has barely just begun, you are the happiest person I’ve ever met. And you grew completely healthy and safe next to my heart so that you could become my heart.

But my dear sweet darling little boy, I am so sorry that you know love from me but not your father…

Each day, there are hundreds of moments when I am incredibly sad for you, for reasons you couldn’t begin to understand and for reasons I hope you never have to feel sad for as well. I am 100% sure that your father loves you, but I am also 100% sure he doesn’t know how to show you that, and I am so sorry if he never figures it out.

I am sorry for the day when you may wonder why it’s only me and you at home after you visit a friend’s house and get to meet his dad, but I promise to fill our house with so much love you won’t notice he’s not there.

I am sorry for the day you score a goal at your soccer game and hear only my voice shouting your name, but I promise to be the loudest person cheering you on.

I am sorry for the day you graduate high school and see only my face in the bleachers, but I promise to be the proudest parent in the world.

I am sorry for the birthday candles you’ll blow out after hearing only me singing to you, but I promise to never miss a birthday and to always give you the corner piece.

And most importantly… I am sorry for days you are bound to be angry at your dad for allowing you to grow up without him, but I promise to love you enough for the both of us.

I know that it’s not within my control to keep you from all of the world’s bad feelings and experiences, but I can teach you how to react to them and it is my hope that you will find the positive in each negative. You are inevitably going to ask me one day why your dad isn’t around, and when that day comes, I hope you turn your inevitable feelings about his absence into strength.

My dear sweet darling little boy, your father is not a bad man, and you will never hear me say otherwise. In fact, it is my hope that one day he will understand just how much joy he is missing out on with you, and learn to be a constant foundation in your life. But if that never happens, I hope that you still have love in your heart for him, because even if he doesn’t get to witness you growing up, he will still have taught you an invaluable lesson on how to be father…try your best not to be angry with him.

Love,

Mommy

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